


Decisive Paralysis

by pepdog1



Category: Persona 5
Genre: A setting? What's that, All the Phantom Thieves except Noir and Crow are here because I couldn't figure out how to add them, Autistic Kitagawa Yusuke, Autistic Sakura Futaba, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied ADHD Kurusu Akira, Implied Autistic Kurusu Akira, M/M, No idea where in the timeline this is set, Okay maybe more than a bit, Pairing is kinda low-key but they do have a smol kiss, autistic headcanons, graphic depiction of a panic attack, it's not ooc if Joker doesn't have a canon personality, maybe?? listen I have both and I can't tell them apart too well sometimes, yeah im projecting a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:00:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24956485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepdog1/pseuds/pepdog1
Summary: Joker's teammates accidentally inflict him with a unique kind of paralysis. Trying to help, the more impulsive members of the team are really just making things worse, but it's not like he can say anything to stop them.He can't say anything at all, really.Some leader he is.
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Kitagawa Yusuke, Kitagawa Yusuke/Kurusu Akira, Kitagawa Yusuke/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 10
Kudos: 165
Collections: Quality Persona Fics





	Decisive Paralysis

It was a tough situation, and that was exactly why nobody had agreed on what their next course of action should be, yet. But, it seemed that they had narrowed it down to two possibilities.

Both choices had their merits, as well as their downfalls. They could either leave and prepare for a day, which would let them deal with what was probably a trap better than they would now... But, it would also cost them another day, and time wasn't exactly on their side right now, not to mention that day would give the Shadows time to prepare as well. Alternatively, they could rush it  _ now _ and hope to catch their enemies by surprise, at the risk of being under-prepared and caught in a sticky situation themselves. A true dilemma.

A dilemma that was only further pushed by the fact that the team just couldn't make up their mind, it seemed. They had equal standing on both sides; Mona, Fox and Oracle wanting to fall back, while Skull, Panther and Queen wanted to push forward.

The only person who hadn't decided yet was Joker. Their leader.

Mona and Skull both locked eyes with him. He found a sensation of coldness gathering in his stomach as he leaned back slightly, mentally preparing himself for their argument to suddenly involve him.

"C'mon, Joker, we're three-for-three right now! You gotta be the tiebreaker!" Skull insisted, gesturing with a hand in a way that Joker read as somewhat irritated.

"As our leader, I believe that whatever decision you make, given the circumstances, will have priority." Mona nodded at his own statement, arms crossed. He looked somehow both smug, and also incredibly irritated.

Joker knew that whichever side he took,  _ one _ of them would end up even more irritated. Or, perhaps, even dejected. Either way, it wasn't a pleasing concept to him. He felt that, whatever he chose, he'd have to have a  _ really _ good reason for it.

"...Um..." Before he could say anything however (not that he was going to, really; he hadn't made a decision yet), he was interrupted.

"And don't think of chickening out on us!" Oracle insisted, pointing a finger at him. "This is a linear branching path; you can't just choose neither of them. Unless you  _ really _ have a better plan, then it's just one or the other!"

"Oracle's right." Queen's voice was softer, less accusatory, but still firm. "We don't exactly have any other options, and we're running out of time..."

Ah. Right, time was a factor. Right. He couldn't be wasting time standing here. He had to make a decision.

...His jaw was clenched tight. His hands were hidden in his pockets, curled into fists. His mind was completely blank, right now.

_ No, focus. _ He told himself. He was the leader, he had to make a decision, had to stay on track.

.....It felt like his brain was mud soup. Sloshing around, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find a clear thought.

He just couldn't decide.

And his group was getting restless. They were staring at him with fiery eyes. A shiver ran up his spine. His own eyes were glued to the ground.

_ Just say one of them, _ the thought presented itself to him, but it was immediately washed away with the fear of,  _ but what if that choice isn't the right one? I'm their leader, they expect my decision to be the most sensible one. _ And, of course, blurting out one of the options would still leave one of them upset. Of course.

But not answering them properly would also make them upset. Fu--  _ Oracle _ had made that clear. Each passing moment, the tension was rising. His jaw hurt. His shoulders hurt.

His heart hurt the worst, when Queen finally broke the silence to speak to him.

"Joker? Is... is everything okay...?" She asked, concern in her tone.

Joker tears his eyes from the floor to look at her. He can't stand staring into her eyes for more than a few seconds, though, so his gaze soon trails down to the spikes on her shoulders.

"Would you care to share your thoughts?" Fox questioned, tilting his head in an inquisitive manner, his hand to his chin.

_ I'd share my thoughts if I had any. _ Joker thought to himself, facial expression shifting, slightly.

However, perhaps his frown of concern at his inability to keep his own thoughts together wasn't read quite right, with his mask covering it.

"C'mon, dude, if there's a problem, just say it!" Skull huffed, leaning against a wall. "We're running out of time, here!"

"We really do need to make a decision, one way or the other..." Panther agreed.

A decision. Yes. Okay, focus time. Option A, proceeding. The option that had appealed to him initially, what with his desire to know what was ahead, but then had become iffy when the safety of his team had been called into question. Option B, retreating. It  _ felt _ safer, sure, but who knew what could happen between now and tomorrow if they didn't proceed.

He was still at a standstill.

Joker wanted to say something. He really did. At this point, he'd accept anything that decided to fall out of his mouth. Any  _ noise, _ even. But something was wrong. His chest felt tight. His mouth wouldn't even open wordlessly. Not even the apology that was consuming him from the inside was allowed to be spoken...

He felt... scared. Almost dizzy. What was wrong with him? He had been fine before, but now, his heart was pounding. Nothing had even happened. He had made decisions before. Why was this any different?

"Hey, Joker? Can you hear us...?!" Mona asked, waving his arms and jumping to try and catch the leader's attention.

The sound felt like it was vibrating inside his head.

"Hey, say something...!!"

He felt like he wanted to get out of here... So, maybe he should agree to retreat...? If he wasn't feeling up to this today, then that would make sense.

...But his body refused to cooperate. It just ached, and... trembled. What was wrong with him...?

Everything hurt, he felt like he was about to cry...

"...Don't tell me, are you expecting us to sort it out by ourselves...?!" Skull questioned. "What happened to being the leader? Aren't  _ you _ supposed to make the decisions, here...?!"

...Oh.

"A  _ little _ direction would be nice..." Queen's arms were crossed, as she stared off at a wall.

He was letting them down.

"We can't go ahead unless you  _ say _ something...!" Panther agreed.

He was meant to be Joker, but right now, he wasn't. Right now, he was just Akira. Lost, confused, awkward Akira.

Mona put a paw on his leg, looking up at him. "C-come on, Joker, you're never usually like this...!"

_ No. No, no, please, I need to be Joker right now. They're counting on me. I need to be Joker, I need to be their leader, I need to be.. _ .

He couldn't breathe. He was holding his breath, not wanting to start breathing too fast and freak them out even more. It felt like his chest wanted to cave in on itself.

"You're really being stubborn? At a time like this?!"

"What's gotten  _ into _ you...? Why won't you say anything...?!"

"Hey, can you at least look one of us in the eyes instead of pretending like we aren't even here...?!"

The words were rattling in his brain, hurting his ears, they were all being so loud, he couldn't hear himself  _ think, _ and his heart beating in his ears wasn't helping either, he just wanted it all to stop, he just--!

"Inari...!" Oracle's quiet whine broke through the interrogations, though Joker couldn't see what she was doing right now.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He felt his body curl in slightly at the touch, like it was repulsed.

"Enough." Fox's words cut through him just as much as everybody else's.

But somehow, the silence that followed it was even worse, because Joker knew exactly what was going to happen next. Fox was going to demand an answer. He wouldn't be able to give one. He was going to let them down. He didn't even know what had triggered this sudden incompetency, his eyes stung as he stared at the ground, waiting to be berated, to be growled at and blamed for being selfish and stubborn and--

"Do you wish to step away...?"

As the rest of Joker's body was already frozen, all that was left to follow was his train of thought.

_ What did he just say...? _

Fox was silent for a few moments... but when an answer didn't come, he didn't repeat himself. He simply put a gentle hand on Joker's back, directing him away from the group. Joker found himself complying without issue.

Once the others were out of earshot, he found himself able to breathe, again. It came out in long, heavy, ragged bursts. Every part of his body still hurt. His pride, most of all.

Fox found somewhere to sit down. Joker sat next to him, staring at his gloved hands in his lap. Red against black. They were fighting each other, fingers curling tightly into the fabric, and into his legs.

He took a deep, deliberate breath. He wanted to apologise to Fox. He had failed as a leader, after all. He couldn't even make a simple decision.

But instead, his lip trembled, and his vision clouded with tears.

...Slowly, a calming blue glove moved over one of his angry red ones. "Don't hurt yourself, Akira." Fox's...  _ Yusuke's _ voice was soft, quiet. A whisper, in fact. Like he somehow knew that his friend couldn't handle any loud noises, right now.

"I am not mad at you. And the others won't be, either. It's okay... You haven't done anything wrong."

Akira bit his lip, hating the fact that it was still trembling. Hating the fact that he couldn't apologise, that he was sitting here, more tense than he had ever been before, tears threatening to spill...

"...It is okay to cry, if you need to."

...Tears spilling, and a sob heaved its way out of his chest, as he screwed his eyes shut, blocking out the rest of the world.

One of his gloved hands came up to take his mask off and press his palm to his face... while the other found grounding comfort in Yusuke's grasp, squeezing securely around the hand as a reminder that his friend is there with him.

It takes a few minutes before he finally calms down. He leans back against the seat, not sure if he felt any better, in this moment. He was still sore all over.

Slowly, he looked back towards Yusuke. The boy had taken off his fox mask, and it was currently on the side of his head, as those cool blue-grey eyes stared directly at him. Akira swallowed back the knot in his throat, his mouth feeling dry as he opened it and finally croaked out two quiet words.

"I... I'm sorry..."

Yusuke's expression changed slightly, but Akira didn't get to analyse it for very long, as shame pulled his gaze back down.

"...I...I failed... as your leader..."

Yusuke slowly shifts, and out of the corner of his eye, Akira can see him turn his head away. He dares to look once more.

He catches a smile on Yusuke's lips.

"You haven't failed anybody." Yusuke doesn't notice him staring. His voice is a bit clearer than before, but still mercifully quiet. "It'll take a lot more than some mere lapse in speech capability for us to believe that you aren't fit to be our leader, Akira."

Akira was silent. Those words rolled around in his mind. He hadn't failed anybody. He was still their leader. They still saw him as their leader... even despite his sudden muteness...

"...H...how'd you know...?" He mumbled weakly, noticing that he was still holding Yusuke's hand. He liked it. He started rubbing his thumb in circles against the blue leather. The feeling of it comforted him somewhat. He felt a lot less tense than before, leaning back against this soft chair, hand in hand with his soft-spoken, patient companion...

"Well, I've spent enough time with our team outside of your presence to know their opinion of you..."

"...Oh. No," Akira looked back up at him, "I meant... How do you know that I... wasn't just being stubborn...? How'd you know I needed...  _ this...?" _

"Ah..." Yusuke nodded, quiet for a few moments as he shifted once more, this time to face Akira more directly. "Well... it was Oracle who told me, actually. She did a scan on you while the others were talking, and found some peculiar signs. No status ailments, but an increased heart rate... Then she noticed that you were very stiff and tense, not like somebody who was just being difficult for the sake of being difficult, but like... like somebody who was incredibly stressed."

He was staring at their joint hands as well, now. He seemed mesmerised by the movement of Akira's thumb. "...Truth be told, both she and I have experienced something similar in the past."

Akira's eyes widened slightly in surprise. It was easier to stare at Yusuke's expression right now, when the boy wasn't looking back up at him. There were no signs that he could see that would indicate any sort of fakeness. He wasn't sure why he expected it to be a lie. This was Yusuke that was in front of him, after all.

He supposed it just felt too good to be true.

"You... you have...?"

"Indeed." Yusuke nodded, eyes still trained on their gloves. "Correct me if I am wrong, but if I were to describe what it might feel like... It would be a tightening in the chest. A cold sensation in the pit of your stomach. An intense desire to speak, but no words to say... your brain screaming at you to do something, but your body refusing... Your heart pounding, and every sound rattling through your skull, making you want nothing more than to cover your ears and curl up into a ball. Something similar to that..."

"That's... that's exactly it...!" Akira felt... relieved. He wasn't alone. Somebody knew that he had been going through... They understood.

There was nothing wrong with him.

"Oracle called it 'shutdown from sensory overload'." Yusuke tucked some of his hair behind his ear, finally tearing his eyes away from their hands to look up at Akira. Their eyes met, but it didn't feel uncomfortable like it usually did. "I'm not entirely certain what that means, but perhaps that'll be something for us both to look into, yes...?"

"Yeah." Akira felt a small smile tugging at his cheeks as he let himself lay back against the seat, closing his eyes. It felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. "...I'm not alone, then."

"Of course not."

"And you... don't think any less of me...?"

"As I've said before, it'll take far more than that to make us believe you're not fit to be our leader. You are brave, and clever, innovative... and you have a heart of gold. To think less of you would be, frankly, a sign of, um...a sign of  _ lacklustre morality, _ in my opinion."

"Lacklustre morality?" The words came from Akira with a soft laugh, and a warm smile in his eyes. "That's an interesting way of putting it, but that makes sense...~"

They sat like that in silence for a bit, content with simply being within each other's presence. After a few minutes, however, Akira spoke up.

"Thanks, Yusuke."

"It's my pleasure, Akira." Yusuke smiled at him, and he felt his heart flutter pleasantly at the kind sight. "Are you feeling alright, now? Do you wish to head back?"

Akira nodded, finally letting go of the other's hand as he stood, stretching. Yusuke followed suit, tail wagging a bit. Akira still didn't know how it did that when it was clearly attached to the belt with metal, but he found it pretty cute.

"Do my eyes still look red...?" He asked, turning to the other. Even if he knew the team wouldn't mind that he had been crying, he still didn't want them to see him being more of a mess than he needed to be. Crow in particular.

Yusuke hummed, gently putting his hand under his companion's chin and angling his head so his eyes caught the light, leaning in closer to see.

"...No, they're grey, like usual."

Akira laughed. It felt like there was a warmth in his chest; a happiness. A feeling that was sticking to his heart like warm caramel. To think that just a mere few minutes ago, he was having a panic attack. Now, he was the luckiest person in the world. He was blessed with the best friends a person could ever hope for. "Thank you, Yusuke."

He closed the gap between them, kissing the taller boy gently on the lips, before pulling away, putting his mask back on. "Well, let's get going. I have a decision to make, don't I?" Joker asked.

"Yes. Yes, you do." Fox's smile couldn't be hidden even as he put his mask back on, following his leader back to the group.

**Author's Note:**

> First fic on AO3... hope you enjoyed it. <3


End file.
